Depression can hit you like a thief in the night. It can take you places you never thought possible. In my journey into darkness, I have secluded myself, taking away any possibility of a healthy relationship with anyone. I have pushed away my family and friends, building impregnatable walls no one can penetrate. The haunting pain has even drawn me to believe I am unworthy of love and acceptance. I only want to run and hide. I do not have the energy, nor the desire to justify my actions.
Due to my personal failures, the darkness of my life continues to draw me deeper into the abyss of hopelessness and despair. It is as if a phantom has dragged me into the darkness of my soul, ripping every ounce of humanity from me. My only friend is regret, and the only hope I have is for my life to end. No matter how hard I try, my life is a charade. When I go to work, I pretend everything is okay. My neighbor's smile and wave, never noticing the debilitating depression that has ensnared me. The members of my church walk by as I smile and nod. They have no idea I am only one more disappointment away from suicide. Surprisingly I have even fooled my family. They have no idea how far my depression has taken me into the darkness that has surrounded me. Every time they ask what is wrong, it only draws me deeper into the hopelessness of my life. They don’t know how to help me. Let’s face it; I don’t even know how to help myself. I am all alone. As I look up out of my darkness, I see no light of comfort. There is no hope around the bend. I have no reason to carry on. Death seems to be the only way to eliminate the pain. I only want to end it all.
In the midst of my darkness, I wrote a short story one night when I couldn’t sleep. All my anger. All my regret. All the pain that had taken over poured out onto the pages. The story described my life, and in many ways, still does. Though the story has a happy ending, in my life, the relief has not come. A dark haze has infiltrated my soul.
Due to my personal failures, the darkness of my life continues to draw me deeper into the abyss of hopelessness and despair. It is as if a phantom has dragged me into the darkness of my soul, ripping every ounce of humanity from me. My only friend is regret, and the only hope I have is for my life to end. No matter how hard I try, my life is a charade. When I go to work, I pretend everything is okay. My neighbor's smile and wave, never noticing the debilitating depression that has ensnared me. The members of my church walk by as I smile and nod. They have no idea I am only one more disappointment away from suicide. Surprisingly I have even fooled my family. They have no idea how far my depression has taken me into the darkness that has surrounded me. Every time they ask what is wrong, it only draws me deeper into the hopelessness of my life. They don’t know how to help me. Let’s face it; I don’t even know how to help myself. I am all alone. As I look up out of my darkness, I see no light of comfort. There is no hope around the bend. I have no reason to carry on. Death seems to be the only way to eliminate the pain. I only want to end it all.
In the midst of my darkness, I wrote a short story one night when I couldn’t sleep. All my anger. All my regret. All the pain that had taken over poured out onto the pages. The story described my life, and in many ways, still does. Though the story has a happy ending, in my life, the relief has not come. A dark haze has infiltrated my soul.
A Dark Haze Infiltrated My Soul
A dark haze infiltrated my soul. Weary, I collapsed face-first onto my pillow praying tomorrow would offer a reason to go on, a reason to continue this masquerade called life. Tossing and turning, I began weeping, begging for relief. I didn’t care at that point how it came. The anguish is too much to bare. I don’t want to feel the pain of failure and regret any longer. I’m tired of being a disappointment in the eyes of those I hold dear. I just want this torment to end. My body aches from the moaning of anguish penetrating my very being. I’ve fallen and failed every turn I’ve made. Everything in my life is too difficult. Why should I pretend any longer? I deserve all the misery this life can muster.
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I slowly gave into my exhaustion. Darkness enveloped, me, smothering me with my own implosion. Fatigue transported me deep into my inner soul driving me into a haunting trance. I couldn't tell if I was asleep or at the edge of a dark, consuming chasm. I found myself standing in the midst of a swirling vapor that clung to me, drawing me in like a phantom devouring my very soul. My legs succumbed to the terror within me, giving way to the dreariness of my ruin. Crumbling to the ground beneath me, an eerie chill ripped through my body while a blanket of fear took me deeper into the emptiness of my battered soul.
I could hear a howling in the night air, begging for mercy. Man, or beast, I could not tell, but curiosity beseeched me to respond. In the shadows, I saw a bridge that stretched across the chasm, fading away into the darkness. Shaking uncontrollably, I forced myself to stand. I was being drawn by the persistent, horrifying cries in the night. Walking toward the structure, I still wondered if this was happening, or if I was experiencing a devilish nightmare. Stretching out my hands, I grabbed the wooden, cold handrails. They creaked and groaned in the night air from what appeared to be years of weathering and neglect. Everything within implored me not to cross the dilapidated bridge, but the haunting howls of agony on the other side drew me further in. With each step I took, the boards cracked and shimmied, making it almost impossible for me to keep my balance. I hesitated for a moment, wondering why I was so foolish to venture out, not knowing if my next step would send me spiraling down into the darkness that surrounded me. Yet the cries from the shadows of the unknown continued to haunt me, so I forged ahead.
The cries grew louder. An overpowering scent of blood and sweat permeated the night air while I continued making my way to the other side of the chasm. A pathway became clear on the ground in front of me, leading into a forest that covered a steep hill. The shadows cast by the trees were intimidating, but the sounds of despair seduced me to continue my journey. Where it would lead me, I did not know. Deep within, fear consumed me, but curiosity took over as I continued climbing as the sounds of anguish drew nearer.
I could see three shadowy figures in the distance. They stood tall and stoic, shooting up toward the heavens. Their shadows were overpowering, reaching into the recesses of my innermost being. The figure in the middle turned toward me, stretching hauntingly, beckoning me to follow. Frozen in my terror, I wanted to leave, but was drawn by this disturbing perplexity before me. Suddenly, a wailing echo began to murmur through the trees. The sound grew louder, the aching screams of horror ringing out from among the dark pillars of the forest. I turned to leave, but there was no turning back from this hellish nightmare.
Moving forward, I finally reached the top of the hill. I cried out in horror, falling to the ground in dismay, realizing the figures in the distance were three crosses. Hanging on them, three men writhed in agony. A crowd taunted them mercilessly. These tortured souls barely looked human, the brutality of their fate exposed for all to see. The man in the middle turned my way once again, his eyes piercing my soul. Though his lips never moved, I could hear his words ever so clearly. “Come to Me, and lay your burdens at My feet.”
Mesmerized, I found myself walking toward Him. With each step, I was horrified by the perplexity of this man who calmly called me to come. His hair was matted with blood and sweat. A crown of thorns thrust upon His head. Blood was oozing from His wounds, making His appearance, even more, gruesome. His body, disfigured from the shocking brutality from those who put Him on the cross caused me to crumble to the ground. I reached out to Him in the hope that somehow this man could bring peace and joy in this unforgiving world. But, doubt crept in, causing me to swirl into confusion. How can this man help me, when He can’t even help Himself?
“My child,” He called out to me, awakening me from my unbelief. “You know who I AM and why I am here. I came to restore the relationship that was lost in the Garden. I came to set you free from the burdens of this world. If I wanted to, I could call the Angels of Heaven, and they would free Me from My torment. But you are the reason I am here, and through My sacrifice, you will never have to walk in darkness again. You can walk in the Light of My Love, instead. Trust in Me, and you will be free.”
I began weeping bitterly, not able to control the anguish within. Rocking back and forth, I cried out to Him. “There’s nothing left in me, my Lord. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m a failure as a Husband and a Father. Every time I look into the eyes of those I hold dear, all I can see is their disappointment in me. My friends have rejected me. My finances are in shambles. No matter what I do, the darkness of my life continues to draw me deeper into hopelessness and despair. I just can’t go on anymore. The doubts that invade my senses are stronger than the faith I have in You. All I want is for this nightmare to end.”
“My child,” He calmly responded. His eyes drawing me closer to His heart. “You say your life is not worth living, and there is no reason to go on. I have done this all for you, and I will never leave you alone. When you are facing your darkest hour, as the pressures of life tear you down, give Me all your burdens, My child. I will give you strength to carry on.”
When He finished, He lifted His eyes toward Heaven, crying out with a piercing voice that rocked me to the core. “It is finished, My Father! My work on earth is done.” His eyes rolled back, as His body thrust uncontrollably. Lifting up one more time, He convulsed, gasping for air, before collapsing lifelessly upon the cross. With a pounding roar, thunder shook the ground, sending the bystanders running for safety. Lightning flashed its displeasure, filling the night air with the horror of the innocence that was taken.
Cascading back into my trance, I felt an incredible peace come over me. The darkness that had filled my soul for so long was replaced by the Light of His love. I finally understood my life was worth living, for He gave His life for me. Though the struggles of life may never leave me, Jesus has promised, I will never have to face them alone.
Throughout the ages, His still small voice continues calling out to those in need. “Come to Me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”[1]
Self-Implosion
My time of darkness while writing this story is not unique. I’m sure there are several who are reading this who have experienced the same type of darkness. No matter who you are. No matter your status in life, the harshness of this fallen world will rear its ugly head. If you have lived long enough, there is no escaping it. Darkness will ensnare you, taking you away from the peace and joy our Heavenly Father desires. The only question you must ask yourself is this, “Do I self-implode under the weight of the struggles I am facing or do I rest upon the One who said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you?’”
Personally, I have self-imploded. There is an emptiness inside of me. I have tried but cannot fill the void on my own. You see, there is nothing left in me. I am hollow. It seems no matter what I try to accomplish in life, it turns out to be a failure.
When I was medically discharged from the Army, it forced me to leave the only career I enjoyed. A major part of my life was taken away. I went from being a soldier with a purpose in life to not knowing who I was anymore. I took pride in wearing the uniform. All of the sudden, it was gone. “God, why did You take this away from me?” I have asked that question many times.
On top of that, the physical pain I am going through keeps me from focusing on anything or anyone else. The pain medications I’ve been on for so many years have left me an empty shell of the man I used to be. Nothing has worked, and I’m tired of living in constant pain. I have become self-absorbed, spiraling into the darkness that has enveloped me. I constantly tell myself I am of no value to God, others, nor myself. I no longer see the light of God’s love. No longer feel His presence. Recently, in the midst of my darkness, God spoke to me in His still small voice:
My Child, your heart no longer beats for Me. There was a time in your life you were drawn by My love. But, through the years, you have forgotten who I am, and who you are in Me. Yes, you have talked about Me and have gone to church every Sunday. You have even learned about the theology of My Word and can quote chapter and verse. But, your heart has grown cold.
Who you are has never been about your career. It has never been about being a soldier in the United States Army. Who you are is a Child of Mine. And because you are My Child, I have restored you to the relationship that was lost in the Garden. I have set you free from the darkness that has ensnared you. Rest in Me, My Child, and you will once again feel My presence. You will once again see the light of My love. Abide in Me, and your heart will once again beat for Me.
As God spoke, His words offered a glimmer of hope in my darkness. Like the furthest star in the galaxies trying to penetrate the emptiness of space into the depth of my soul. But the shadows of my depression continue to fight back, beating me into submission. I have cried out for help, but my doubts keep me from leaning on our Wonderful Counselor. Though I can hear His voice of comfort, my circumstances keep dragging me into the reality of my life. I am a failure. I do not deserve comfort. I do not deserve love. I only deserve the misery of my life.
Let’s face it, no one will miss me. No one will care if I am gone. In fact, in the end, the world will be better off without me. I know my children will be fine. Yes, I know, the pain of my death will linger, but my absence will give them a chance for a better tomorrow. I will no longer be a disappointment to them. I will cease to be in the way of a brighter future. They will succeed without me. I don’t want to hurt anyone ever again. I just want the pain to end.
Where did it all go Wrong?
Though the darkness and pain have continued, I’ve finally begun questioning how I got here. Where did it all go wrong? In the past, hundreds of people have given their lives to Jesus through my testimony. Other than Music Minister, I have held every position in a church, including being a Pastor of two. I was a Chaplain Assistant and Combat Medic in the Army, desiring to be the hands and feet of God. I wanted to minister to the spiritual and physical needs of others. I now find myself so far away from Him; I can’t even fathom how He was ever able to use me.
In the midst of my pain, I fell to my knees. “God, why haven’t You helped me? I have cried out to You. I have pleaded for the pain to end, yet it still lingers. It is as if there is a barrier keeping my words from reaching You. Do You hear me? Can You hear me? Will You hear me? I want to know. I need to know. Is there hope in my darkness? Will my heart ever beat for You again?” Once again, God spoke to me:
Yes, My Child, your heart will beat for Me again. All you need to do is rest in My promises and seek an intimate relationship with My Son. Through Him, you will once again find the joy of your salvation. In Him, you will find the answers to all your questions. You will once again find your identity, your purpose in life.
Stop focusing on your circumstances and the darkness that surrounds you. Instead, rest in Jesus. He will set you free from your struggles. He will comfort you in your times of sorrow. He will give you hope in your darkness. Stop running from Me, and rest in My loving arms. “[For if you trust in Me, you] will find new strength. [You] will soar high on wings like eagles. [You] will run and not grow weary. [You] will walk and not faint.”[2]
