Teachings from Quest for God's Own Heart Ministry

O God, Be Merciful to Me, for I am a Parent

God has a perfect plan for parenting. When parents follow God’s plan, they will be able to train up their child in the way they should go. However, instead of focusing on God’s perfect plan, parents have tried to do it on their own. They have overprotected, overindulged, and overcontrolled their children. God’s desire is for a parent to raise their children to be healthy, spiritual adults. God has given parents the responsibility for preparing their children for the world by teaching them His love and commands. Through the still small voice of the Holy Spirit, their children will remember God’s Word that was reflected, and instilled upon their hearts. They will leave the home, living a life filled with knowledge and understanding (Proverbs 22:6; 1 Kings 19:11-13; Philippians 1:9-11).

God’s Perfect Plan for Parents

Parents need to understand their blessed responsibility in raising their children. God has given children to their parents as a gift from Heaven. Every child is uniquely created with a special plan for their lives. Therefore, parents need to take their role in developing their children into healthy adults seriously. God has shown through His love for His children, what it means to be a parent. He also has, through His Word, given guidelines on how to raise their children in the way they should go (Psalm 127:3-5; 139:13-16).

Too many parents overprotect their children, thinking they are doing them a favor. It is not wrong for any parent to want to protect their children. The evils of this world can take in the innocents of children and lead them down the road of destruction.

Protecting your children from the evils of the world is a God-given responsibility. However, overprotecting will bruise the spirit and keep kids from growing into strong, independent adults capable of earning trust and making good decisions…If children do not learn these lessons before they’re adults, they’ll be left walking the tightrope with nothing to catch them when-not if-they fall (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 9).

When parents see their children for the first time, love envelopes them. From the moment of birth, parents dream of a healthy successful life for their children. They want them to go to the best schools so they can have a successful career when they grow up. Their desire is to supply their children with everything they need to succeed. However, too often, parents neglect the most important part of raising their children. They get so busy trying to raise their children to be successful in the business world and life that they forget to train their child in the way they should go. They have neglected the most important aspect of what it means to be a successful adult. They have forgotten to teach their children to love and obey God and His Word.

God has commanded parents to teach their children His principles for living, not only in the early stages of life, but continually throughout their childhood and adolescents (Deuteronomy 6:6-9). Parents may take their children to church every week, say a prayer before every meal, but what do they do when their children are facing decisions and struggles in their lives? Do they share with them God’s Word and His love for them? Do they reveal the presence of God in their lives every moment of every day? Is God center stage in their homes?

Parents have also forgotten what it was like to be a child, especially an adolescent. The natural progression from childhood to adolescents produces an identity crisis that every child must face. In a video entitled, Preparing for Adolescents, Dr. Chap Clark revealed that there are three core questions all adolescents ask: “‘Who am I’; ‘What power do I control’; and ‘Where do I fit?’” These are not unique questions for adolescents today. However, they are crucial to their development, as they strive to define who they are. Parents have allowed the busyness of life to keep them from the responsibility of helping their children answer these important questions. Adolescents will go elsewhere to find the answers if their parents choose not to be available. Parents cannot fail their children in their journey toward adulthood (Clark, 2014).

Parents are not the only ones responsible for the maturation of their children. Their children also have a responsibility. They are commanded to listen to their father’s corrections and mother’s instructions for their lives. Fathers are to correct their children in love, never provoking them into anger. The purpose of correction is not to punish, but to help children understand that there are boundaries in their lives that they must respect and adhere too. They also need to understand that there are consequences when they do not respect their boundaries. If they are coddled their whole life, they will have a rude awakening when they become adults. Children who listen to their parents; following God’s commands, will grow up to become mature, healthy members of society. They will also become spiritually healthy followers of Christ (Proverbs 1:8-9; Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21).

If a parent does not discipline their children, they are setting them up for a fall. If a child never learns from their struggles because their parents always rescues them, they are being set up for destruction in their life. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, in their book, Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, to Help Your Children Gain Control of Their Lives, reminds the parent, “God does not rescue us from our struggles and the pain of learning discipline and perseverance. In fact, God disciplines those he loves, just as a father disciplines his children (Hebrews 12:5-10)” (Cloud & Townsend, 1998, p. 145).

God has shown parents how to raise their children by being their Heavenly Father. He disciplines His children out of love, not anger. God disciplines because He wants them to succeed. Parents have failed to heed the example of their Heavenly Father when it comes to discipline. Whether due to the busyness of life, fear of being called a child-abuser, or they have chosen not to have the patients nor desire to discipline and raise their children, parents have failed. God, in His Word, has not only commanded parents to teach their children His principles for life, but has also commanded them to discipline their children. According to God’s Word, if parents do not discipline their children, they are in all practicality showing that they do not love their children. Their children need to learn the consequences of their actions while they are still young. If they do not, there may not be hope for them when they have grown. The parent who does not discipline their child can ruin their life. Proper discipline will produce wisdom for successful living (Proverbs 13:24; 19:18; 22:15; 23:13-14; 29:15-17).

So, how does a parent raise and discipline their children in the way they should go? Love. Through love, a parent can instruct and discipline their child without causing resentment and despair. When a parent raises their child in love, they will not be overprotecting, overindulging, nor overcontrolling. When love is the driving force, a parent will be patient with their child. They will not be exasperated when things are not going as planned. A parent will not be jealous nor boastful because love is not proud or rude. In love, a parent will never be demanding, producing irritability in the life of their child. Through love, a parent will not bring up wrong behavior from the past. They will focus on the present, helping their child become a better person in the future, instead. A parent will never desire to get even with their child, for truth will be the only desire in their life and the life of their child. In love, a parent will never give up on their child, no matter what they have done. Love will produce faith and hope. A parent’s love will endure through any circumstance their family may face, for love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

Godly love is the key. Parents must love their children in the same way God has and does love them (Ephesians 5:2). Too often, parents, filled with the worries of life, lash out at their children. Instead of showing love, they show hate. Anger raises its ugly head, producing animosity and strife. Instead of teaching their children the way they should go, they tear them down. A parent needs to examine his- or herself when anger festers in their life.

Anger is to our lives like a smoke detector is to a house, like a dash warning light is to a car, and like a flashing yellow light is to a driver. Each of those serve as a kind of warning or alarm to stop, look, and listen. They say, ‘Take caution, something might be wrong (Clinton, Hart & Ohlschlager, 2005, p. 205).

Parents need to slow down enough to work on their lives, as well. If they do not, they will not only experience strife in their walk with God, but they will also experience strife in their homes. If a parent does not work on their walk with God, it could be devastating in the raising of their children. Before responding to a crisis their child is facing, parents need to remember the wise counsel of James in God’s Word.

“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires (James 1:19-20, NLT).

Life can be a rat race. However, the race should not be taken into the home, or the parent will become a rat. Parents need to respond to their children in love, not anger. Parents also need to listen intently to their children. They need to understand what their child is saying and feeling before they speak. They also need to control their anger, for only love will produce the wisdom needed in a situation they may be facing. A parent should never forget that they need always to show fervent love for their children, “for love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8, NLT).

How can a parent say that God loves them, if they do not show love to their children? As Ambassadors of Jesus Christ, parents need to be an example first in their home. They need to lead their children to the Throne of God, instead of driving them away because of anger and resentment.

As hope-filled ambassadors of Jesus Christ, we should be listening and responding with urgent compassion. Instead, those of us who have been given the task of leading the young to the soul-satisfying ‘bread of life’ (Jn 6:35) and ‘streams of living water’ (Jn 7:38) may have unknowingly locked the bread box and shut off the water valve through our inability or unwillingness to hear the nuances their unique worldview and experience before listening to their reality, we will, as Francis Schaeffer said, ‘only beat the air’ (Mueller, 2006, p. 19).

If parents do not listen to their children, they are failing them. Parents need to understand what their children are going through and feeling. If they do not take the time to listen and understand, they will alienate their children, closing the door of influence they may have had. Parents cannot be successful on their own. They need help. However, God has provided the help necessary for them to be successful. Not only has He been a perfect example of parenting in their lives, but God has also supplied parents with wisdom from His Word.

After Jesus’ resurrection, God also supplied His children with a special gift; the gift of the Holy Spirit. Through the Holy Spirit, parents can live a healthy productive life with their Heavenly Father. They will become a reflection of God’s loving grace to their children as they take on the attributes of Jesus in their lives.

The key is the Holy Spirit, who produced the new life in the Christian (John 3:5-6), and He is the One who energized the new nature of the Christian (Gal. 5:16, 25; 3:3-5). The Holy Spirit is also the One who helps the Christian realize more fully the love of God (Rom. 5:5). The Holy Spirit is the One who produces the power and dynamic of the new life (Eph. 3:16). He is also the One who produces the qualities of the Christlike life (Gal. 522)” (Vukich & Vandegriff, 2002, p. 197).

Through the power of the Holy Spirit, parents can be a role model and mentor their children desperately need and desire.

God has provided parents everything they need to live successful personal lives. He has also provided everything they need to raise their children to become healthy responsible followers of His. All that is required is for parents to follow God and His commands faithfully. When they become faithful followers of Jesus Christ, parents will become a loving reflection to their children of who God is and what His desire is for their lives. Unfortunately, parents have failed in being a reflection of God’s love to their children. They have failed in implementing God’s perfect plan for raising their children. They have failed in preparing their children for life’s journey. Because of their failures, parents’ children are leaving their homes ill-equipped to face life’s difficulties; both spiritually and emotionally.

Parents Have Perfectly Failed in Following God’s Perfect Plan

The Pew Research Center, in their revised findings (2011), found that 44% of adults have left their childhood faith. Why are children leaving the faith of their parents?

Two-thirds of former Catholics who have become unaffiliated and half of former Protestants who have become unaffiliated say they left their childhood faith because they stopped believing in its teachings, and roughly four-in-ten say they became unaffiliated because they do not believe in God or the teachings of most religions” (Pew Research, 2011).

Parents have not taught their children the benefits and realities of their faith. Children do not see the difference God can make in someone’s life because their parents are not living their faith in front of their children. If parents raised their children in the disciplines of Christianity, showing them the benefits in trusting in the God of the Universe, they would be more inclined to follow God when they leave the home. Parents have failed to show their children that Christianity is not a religion, but a relationship with Jesus Christ. They have failed to show their children the difference a life in Christ can make.

Instead of showing their children the difference Christ can make in their lives when they faithfully follow Him, parents have become faithful churchgoers and denominational apologists. They spend their time going to church and teaching their children the traditions of their church and/or denominations, instead of the wisdom found in God’s Word. David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyon, in their book, UnChristian: What a new generation really thinks about Christianity…and why it matters, reveals that:

“…an entire generation of those inside and outside the church are questioning our motives as Christians. They believe we are more interested in proving we are right than that God is right. They say Christians are more focused on condemning people than helping people become more like Jesus” (Kinnaman & Lyons, 2007, p. 183).

Parents need to rededicate themselves to Jesus Christ. They need to rekindle the relationship they once had with Him. If they have never had an intimate relationship with Jesus, they need to get on their knees and begin one. Until they do, their Christianity will be no more than just another religion to their children. Parents cannot continue going through the motions with their Christianity. It needs to become more than just waking up on Sunday mornings and going to church. Christianity must be about an intimate relationship with their Savior. Kenda Dean, in her book, Almost Christian: What the Faith of our Teenagers is Telling the American Church, wrote about a study conducted by the National Study of Youth and Religion’s. In it, she found, “the best way for youth to become more serious about religious faith is for parents to become more serious about theirs. (Interestingly, in the NSYR’s longitudinal interviews, parent religiosity during the teenage years was an even stronger predictor of young people’s faith in emerging adulthood” (Dean, 2010, p.p. 111-112).

There needs to be a call for revival within the family structure. Parents need to awaken to their first love. They need to stop playing church, and begin living for Jesus. They need to awaken the desire within them to become faithful followers of Jesus Christ. Their children will see the difference in their lives, and become more inclined to follow their faith. Later in her book, Kenda Dean wrote:

“What awakens faith is desire, not information, and what awakens desire is a person—and specifically, a person who accepts us unconditionally, as God accepts us. We may question what we believe, but most of us are pretty clear about who we love, and who loves us. It is such a preposterous claim—God-with-us (oh please)—that young people are unlikely to believe it unless we give them opportunities to do some sacred eaves-dropping on us as we seek, delight, and trust in God’s presence with us” (Dean, 2010, p. 119).

If parents do not awaken their soul to the God of their salvation, they may awaken one day finding their children living without their Savior.

It is time for a new Great Awakening; an awakening of the importance of raising children God’s way. Parents must awaken their souls to the calling of God to be faithful followers of His. They must awaken to the warning God has given to every parent. If they do not raise their children to faithfully follow Him, God has declared that He will “…lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me” (Exodus 20:5b, NLT).

In the Old Testament, part of the life of Abraham should awaken the souls of parents everywhere. He did not reject God, but there were times in his life he did not trust Him. There were times in his life he did not live up to his name; Father Abraham. As incredible as Abraham was, he was still human. He made mistakes. Abraham (known as Abram at this time) lied to the Pharaoh about his relationship with Sarah (known as Sarai at this time). He was afraid that the Pharaoh would kill him if he found out that Sarah was his wife. He trusted God enough to move to a new land, but not enough to spare his life from the hand of Pharaoh. On another occasion, Abraham also lied to King Abimelech about Sarah. In both instances, Abraham did not trust that God would take care of him. Instead, he did what was expedient. He did what too many people today would do; lie. Abraham chose the easy way out, instead of telling the truth and trusting that God would take care of him (Genesis 12, 20; Moser, 2014).

Later in his life, Abraham, and his wife; Sarah also favored their son Isaac over Ishmael, the one born of their servant. What a domino effect that produced. In Isaac’s life, he favored his son Esau, and Rebekah favored their son Jacob. Jacob was married to two women, but he favored Rachel, and they favored their son Joseph over all the other children in their family. In each generation, one of the sons were sent away. In Abraham’s family, Ishmael was sent away because of Sarah’s jealousy of Hagar. In Isaac’s family, Jacob was sent away due to his mother’s fear that Esau would kill him. In Jacob’s family, Joseph was sent away by his brothers, who at first meant to murder him. There was a progression of intensity with each generation as well. Ishmael was sent away due to jealousy. Jacob was sent away due to fear. Joseph was sent away through a hatred that almost led to his murder (Genesis 21-50; Moser, 2014).

Parents must understand that their children are watching them. To effectively teach their children to live a healthy godly life, parents must live a healthy godly life in front of them. Parent’s need to be the Light of Jesus in their homes. They need to reflect what they say is important to them. The consequences of not being a faithful follower of Jesus can be catastrophic. It will not only affect the life of the parents, but possibly the life of their children as well.

God’s Perfect Redemptive Plan Redeems Imperfect Parents

For parents with children still living in their home, there is still hope. One of the ways parents can steer their children back to faith in God is through teaching them God’s wisdom found in the Book of Proverbs. Proverbs provide wisdom for everyday life. If a parent teaches their children wisdom from the Book of Proverbs, they will be guiding them in the way they should go. If they do not, their children will pick up “wisdom” from somewhere else. God’s Word will prepare them for life. Parents need to be a reflection of, and teach God’s wisdom to their children.

For parents whose children have already left the home, God is bigger than their mistakes. He can and will be a Father to their children. He knows what they need, and He will never fail them (Matthew 7:9-11). He understands and can compensate for the failures of their parents. God knows that no matter how spiritual a parent is, they will still make mistakes. Drs. Tim Clinton and Gary Sibcy, in their book, Loving Your Child Too Much, wrote:

We’re all sinful; we all make mistakes. Not one of us will achieve perfection until we get to heaven. The Bible acknowledges this, saying, “Now we see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now (1 Corinthians 13:12 NLT)” (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 30).

Conclusion

All parents make mistakes. Some are even complete failures in parenting. However, that does not mean that their children will necessarily become failures. Just like Joseph, children can break the chain of dysfunction in their family through their faith and trust in Jesus. Joseph trusted God in all circumstances. He knew that the God of Heaven was greater than any situation he was facing.

There is still hope. Parents need to get on their knees, asking God to lift up their children in prayer. When they take their adult children to the Throne of God, He will hear their cry. If their child has never given their life to Jesus, they need to pray that their child will listen to the still small voice of the Holy Spirit; surrendering their life to Jesus. Only through salvation can their child begin the healing process, becoming a healthy productive adult and follower of Jesus Christ. Just like Joseph, there is still hope (Jeremiah 29:11-13).

When a parent’s child gives their life to Jesus Christ, they become a new creation. They do not have to live a broken, sinful life, just because their parents did. God is now their Father. The Holy Spirit is now their Teacher and will guide them in the way they should go. They only have to listen to His still small voice, and follow. Jesus is also their Comforter and Friend. He will never leave them, nor forsake them. Children can break the destructive chain that their parents created through the help of God. They can become healthy adults and followers of Jesus Christ. With God in the equation, there is always hope (Romans 8; 2 Corinthians 5:17; John 14:26; 1 Kings 19:11-13; Matthew 11:28-30; 28:20).